I Can’t Believe It’s Been 6 Years

It's been 6 years since I had to say goodbye to D.C.

I don't know why, but it hit me hard this afternoon. I suppose it underscores the pain of the past year and the losses we've all had to endure.

This pandemic has stolen so much from us all.

My life has changed drastically in the past year. My mother has gone from a vibrant woman to someone who requires assisted living due to a 4-month illness. I don't know if she will be able to return home, but it's looking more and more like she won't.

It's hard to believe how different things were only 6 years ago.

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D.C. was my rock. That may sound strange to say about a cat, but it's true. He was the most empathic animal I have ever known. Even people who didn't care for cats loved D.C.

It's somehow fitting that I am sitting here weeping over him again right now. Even his memory is caring for me. You see, I need to grieve—again—and I don't want to.

I realized today that I've been selectively numbing my emotions for the past year. The only thing I have wanted to feel or express is anger. Grief is not fun and I've had a full measure of it for 6 years.

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So I'm listening to D.C.'s wisdom. I started meditating again today. I intend to make it a daily habit. I realized that I've spent the past year avoiding any quiet time. Ironic, considering we've been isolating for so long, but it's true.

When you turn it all off and sit with your feelings, you have to face them. You have to grieve. I guess that's what I've been avoiding. I've filled up the silence with constant noise. Internet, streaming, phone—you name it. Anything but dreaded silence.

But here's the thing. Constant noise also drowns out the good voices. As Brené Brown would say:

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

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Well, that stinks, but it's true. And I want to get to the good stuff. The sooner, the better! So I will sit, meditate, and listen. I will grieve. And I will heal.

Thanks, D.C. I love you!